Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
