why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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