i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
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