Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
