She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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