If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
