I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
