he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
