Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
