I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
