What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
