I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
PS: I just woke up from my shower
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
