Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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