Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
you are never too drunk for berry picking
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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