Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
