Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I can't put those talents on a resume
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
