Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
