When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
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