just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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