I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
