you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
