so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
