I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
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He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
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What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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