You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I think my vagina is haunted
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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