i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
