i was rollin on her like bob the builder
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
