All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
