Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Randomize
