Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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