anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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