so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
