I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I CAN MOONWALK!
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
