is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
