I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
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im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
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But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
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