Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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