is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
