Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
