While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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