Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
