Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Randomize
