im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Randomize
