I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
