Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
