found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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