I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
