i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I have feelings that need drinking.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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