I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
