): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
