Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
