sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Randomize
