i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
