The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
