How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
