Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
