It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
