you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
