I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Randomize
