you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
