Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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